Thursday, January 31, 2008
LOST SEASON FOUR!!!!
I ONCE WAS LOST.................
But now I'm.....STILL LOST!!!! HA HA. And that's the way I like it!!!! The show debuts tonight with Season Four. I'm so excited I don't think I can stand it. Yeah well, it's winter and I don't get out much. So give me my little diversions! Watched again last nights rerun of the Season Three finale, and I was glad to see little Vincent the dog treking along w/the merry band of lostaways. I wonder if he'll get rescued? If I was Vincent, I would be damn mad at Walt for taking off and aging like that. Damn mad! And did you see Jack put away those Oxycontins? I also noticed that Charlie crossed himself like a good Catholic boy before he was pwned by the water. Well, I don't know if he's Catholic, I'm just guessing. Either way, he's more than likely dead, but on this show, you never know. Only half an hour til LOST!!!
CRAZY
Britney Spears is wacko. But you don't need me to tell you that. She's now locked away from Starbucks, gas stations and the paps, so let's hope she can sane up this time before being unleashed once again upon society.
PAULA'S PLACE
Today's blog alert is for the smokin' hot Paula's Place. Just follow this nifty little link http://picturesfrompaula.blogspot.com/ if you want to to hear from the bravest woman in America. Why is she brave I hear you asking? Because she has the guts to post a song and write about The Bay City Rollers. And if you have to ask who they are, then you don't know tartan my dear friend. Check it out, if you DARE!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
OMG ONE MORE DAY TIL LOST!!
Lost
Yep, tonight is the rerun of last season's finale and then tomorrow is premiere night! Will Hurley have lost any weight? Has Walt become a teen-ager? Where's Vincent? Good Lord the questions, the excitement! I'm sure none of them will be answered and zillions more will be asked, but who gives a Darma fig bar?!
Cruise Control
Everyone has had that moment where a small voice in their head says, "Hey, if you could ask Tom Cruise five questions, what would they be?" You know you've heard that voice, don't lie. And you've probably answered that question with, "But why only five?" Well, why indeed. But anyway, here is what *I* would ask if I had that sweet, sweet chance:
1. If you were in a car accident on the side of the road, would you rather wait for a Scientologist to show up, or would you prefer EMT's with state of the art equipment and fast wheels?
2. Come on, admit it, you watched that South Park episode "Trapped in the Closet" and laughed your (ahem) butt off, didnt you?
3. Boxers or Briefs?
4. Okay, so if the Alien Thetans are released from the body through auditing do they then go into another body and if so, would you then never really get rid of any no matter what you do?
5. Can I borrow $100,000?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
IS THAT A MOUSE HEAD IN MY VEGGIES?
CORPUS DELECTI (YUMMY!!!)
There's the news story today out of Finland where some dude at a hospital finds a decapitated mouse head in his steamed veggies! That naturally begs the question we've all been thinking, where the hell is the rest of the body? So they made a new reality show out of it! What else?!
FIND THE MUTILATED MOUSE TORSO!!!!
That's right, somewhere in Europe right now, in someone's dinner, a child's lunch, grandma's apple pie....there is a mouse torso waiting to be found!
The winner...yes, the person who finds that mass of dead mouse meat, will win a tetanus shot and a tour of the morgue of their choice.
So start sifting through your food England, France et al; somewhere there's a dead mouse torso just waiting to be found!
LOST
Two more days left til we find out what drugs Jack's on and who Kate's been shacking up with!!!!
Anonymous
The link to Project Chanology is back up!!! And in other wacky Scientology Cruise News, Tommy boy was fooled by a person pretending to be Heath Ledger's dad. Seriously, if there's anyone who should know about pretending to be what they are not, it's Tom Cruise!
Monday, January 28, 2008
LOST
LOST COUNT DOWN: THREE MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"We have to go back Kate!" Jack to Kate on well, Lost!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Dead Celebs Mounting and other Anonymous
STOP DYING ALREADY!
Well the body count of dead celebs for the month of January 2008 is rising. At last count (and by god, the month is not over!) there were six: Brad Renfro, Bobby Fischer, Suzanne Pleshette, Allan Melville, Christian Brando and of course, Heath Ledger. The celeb death parade continues to march on. And if it turns out Heath is declared to have died by natural causes I am gonna hurl.
SCIENTOLOGY GOES DOWN (Insert your own John Travolta joke!!!)
Anonymous, however, continues on its path to smack Scientology into submission and that helps ratchet up the lulz factor amongst all this damn death drama. If you haven't seen Jerry O'Connells parody on Cruise, then check it out here: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe or if you have some time on your hands and want to take part in all the Anon fun, then check out : http://partyvan.info.nyud.net/index.php/Project_Chanology
"For me it's all about KFC. It's just good chicken."
"We are Anonymous. We are Legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us."
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Reality Show Parodies II
Here are some more ideas for new Reality TV shows, based on the concept of Survivor and Temptation Island...
DIET ISLAND
Are you fat, disgusting, abnormally overweight? Do small children point at you or run away screaming? Haven't had a date in a decade? You've tried and tried but you just can't motivate yourself to eat right and exercise? Well, then, diet island is for you.
Twenty five fat people will be marooned on a small desert island with only a fishing pole, a book of matches, a hatchet, a spear and a frying pan. Watch as the pounds come off those tubbies when they can't sneak to the fridge or the local Dunkin Donuts. Yep, they'll lose weight now, that's for sure.
As an added incentive, anyone who doesn't lose weight in the 8 weeks they are marooned will be slaughtered, killed and fed to the remaining contestants at a goodbye luaua. To hell with Jenny Craig!
LOSER ISLAND
Welcome to Loser Island, the show that takes five average looking to really UGLY couples and places them on a tropical paradise with 10 gorgeous, sexy singles of the opposite sex. Will our uglies stay true to their intendeds or will they sucuumb to the charms of hot young singles? Do you really think ugly people are gonna pass up the opportunity to bag a babe on a tropical island? Do the math!!!
This may be the only chance these homelies get to score with a hottie, what do you THINK is gonna happen? Yes, Loser Island, where the nerds and losers of the world get one chance to bed a babe.
See the patheticness as they try and snag someone they aren't ashamed to be seen with in public. Watch the drool as they encounter half naked flesh that doesn't contain cellulite, spider veins or pimples.
WHEELCHAIR ISLAND
Watch a bunch of people in wheelchairs as they have to maneuver around the sand and find a way to get off the island using only the chairs under their butts. See the wheelchair people try to get from their hut to the dining hall without getting stuck in a sand dune.
Oh look, the island isn't ADA regulated, let's watch them try to use the abnormally high toilets! Can people in wheelchairs swim??? Anyone want to join me for a game of roller volleyball?
Yes, wheelchair island, where the contestants could give a rats a$$ about sexy singles, all they care about is getting on an off the toilet without falling and killing themselves. It's a veritable laugh riot as those wheelies try and knock coconuts off a tree, or try fish without rusting out their chairs. Can a wheelchair seat be used as a flotation device? You'll find out!
DIET ISLAND
Are you fat, disgusting, abnormally overweight? Do small children point at you or run away screaming? Haven't had a date in a decade? You've tried and tried but you just can't motivate yourself to eat right and exercise? Well, then, diet island is for you.
Twenty five fat people will be marooned on a small desert island with only a fishing pole, a book of matches, a hatchet, a spear and a frying pan. Watch as the pounds come off those tubbies when they can't sneak to the fridge or the local Dunkin Donuts. Yep, they'll lose weight now, that's for sure.
As an added incentive, anyone who doesn't lose weight in the 8 weeks they are marooned will be slaughtered, killed and fed to the remaining contestants at a goodbye luaua. To hell with Jenny Craig!
LOSER ISLAND
Welcome to Loser Island, the show that takes five average looking to really UGLY couples and places them on a tropical paradise with 10 gorgeous, sexy singles of the opposite sex. Will our uglies stay true to their intendeds or will they sucuumb to the charms of hot young singles? Do you really think ugly people are gonna pass up the opportunity to bag a babe on a tropical island? Do the math!!!
This may be the only chance these homelies get to score with a hottie, what do you THINK is gonna happen? Yes, Loser Island, where the nerds and losers of the world get one chance to bed a babe.
See the patheticness as they try and snag someone they aren't ashamed to be seen with in public. Watch the drool as they encounter half naked flesh that doesn't contain cellulite, spider veins or pimples.
WHEELCHAIR ISLAND
Watch a bunch of people in wheelchairs as they have to maneuver around the sand and find a way to get off the island using only the chairs under their butts. See the wheelchair people try to get from their hut to the dining hall without getting stuck in a sand dune.
Oh look, the island isn't ADA regulated, let's watch them try to use the abnormally high toilets! Can people in wheelchairs swim??? Anyone want to join me for a game of roller volleyball?
Yes, wheelchair island, where the contestants could give a rats a$$ about sexy singles, all they care about is getting on an off the toilet without falling and killing themselves. It's a veritable laugh riot as those wheelies try and knock coconuts off a tree, or try fish without rusting out their chairs. Can a wheelchair seat be used as a flotation device? You'll find out!
Reality Show Parodies
Yes, these are oldies but damn, still goodies....
Those dreary winter blues means sitting at home in front of the TV, watching those fun-filled reality shows.
Here are a few ideas kicking around for new shows which SHOULD be on the air. Now, some ideas are great, some good, and some quite rightly bite.
But hey, creavity sometimes means a lousy idea or two. And even if only ONE of these ideas sell, well, that means LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of cash. Without further adieu I bring you these Reality Show ideas:
PRE MENSTRUAL ISLAND
What could be more interesting, more gut wrenching, then to watch three strapping young men forced to live on an Island for four weeks with threegroups of pre-menstrual women?! See the women, whine, complain, nag, moan....watch them scarf down piles of salty chips and enough chocolate to sink a battleship. Will our three young men be able to "survive" this hell on earth with their sanity intact, or will they decry heterosexuality for the pre-menstrual-less quiet of other men? If this ain't Must see TV I don't know what the heck is.
TEXAS 7 ISLAND:
You remember those fearless 7 who broke out of a Texas Prison and evaded capture for weeks don't you? Of course you do, and while you may have been frightened to know those lunatics were loose, you still, deep down inside, kinda admired the way they busted out an alluded law enforcement for weeks on end with nary a sighting. Well, we've put these men on their very own private island.
The idea is that they have to "escape" the island and make it back to civilization alive and in tact. The Island will be surrounded by man-eating sharks, pirranahs and all sort of monsters. The island will be crawling with yee-ha white trash hunters out for blood and a nice new pair of shoes!
There will be all kinds of surprises for our fearless convicts behind every corner, as booby traps, lunatics and nuclear arsenals will be ready to stop them from leaving the beautifiul white sand of the island paradise. The convicts have three weeks in which to scheme, plot and build a boat to get their butts off the island. If they are successful, they win a week's vacation in Disney Land and TV priviliges for a month in the clink.
If they aren't successful, they'll be executed LIVE by a Texas firing squad right on NATIONAL TV. Which in and of itself is a new show. Oh, and by the way, please don't point out that there are nowonly 6 convicts left. No kidding. The show is called the Texas 7 still cause we've taken the corpse of the dead one and hung it on a flag pole on the island. Call it our own personal show mascot....
MODEL ISLAND
Sure, on the surface it sounds boring. We take five Super Models and put them on a tropical Island together. You're thinking, hey...sun, sand, half naked bodies. But au contraire my friends...These models are placed on the island with NO make up, no tweezers, no razors, no combs, no hair dryers, no curlers, no shampoo.
We put these beauties down on the island with a bar of soap, a toothbrush, tube of toothbrush and a small travel size deodorant. As for clothes, they have a few jeans, white Tshirts, 5 pairs of underwear and socks, a bra and a pair of sneakers! Eh gads. Watch the transformation over 30 days as these cover girls go from beauty to beast. See the drama as they must actually initiate conversations with one another, without the adulation of fans and photographers to sustain their gigantic egos.
They must fend for themselves and do it looking worse then a long island house frau on welfare. Which ever model doesn't go insane, will be our grand prize winner of a complete makeover and dinner at the Mcdonalds of their choice. The losers will be locked up in an insane asylum and force-fed actual food, while having their hands restrained behind their backs so they can't stick fingers down their throat. Ahh, the drama!
WHO WOULD YOUR RATHER SLEEP WITH?
A new TV game show that dares to ask that excellent question and then makes the contestants actually have to "do" one of two choices. For example: "Ms Jones, you are stuck on a desert island and there is a gun to your head. You must choose one or the other. Who would you rather sleep with, this bloodied, headless corpse of that recently assasinated Political leader or TV Comedian Carrot Top?"
Ms Jones will have to choose one of them, and she'll have to actually sleep with the one she chooses right on camera! The longer the contestant is able to"do" their choice, the more money they win. Last two minutes, you win $1000, five minutes $5000, ten minutes, $10,000. If the contestant can do it for twenty minutes they win a grand prize of $100,000 dollars. If they refuse either of the choices, they are brutally killed and used as bait for the pirannahs and sharks of "Texas 7" Island.
BOUNTY HUNTER FOR A DAY
Yes, you can be a bounty hunter for a day! You'll get to chase bail jumpers and kill them, in any way or manner that you desire! You wanna drill a large screw through their skulls? You can do it! You wanna gut them and use their skin for lamp shades? Go for it! Wanna stab them til they are a mess of bloody pulp? No problem!!!
Yes, you can kill these societal menances and do it free from any type of prosecution or legal consequences!!!! Get out your aggression and relieve your violent tendencies, all the while ridding the good old USA of these evil criminal menances! "Bad boys bad boys whatcha ya gonna do,watchya gonna do when they come to kill you..."
Those dreary winter blues means sitting at home in front of the TV, watching those fun-filled reality shows.
Here are a few ideas kicking around for new shows which SHOULD be on the air. Now, some ideas are great, some good, and some quite rightly bite.
But hey, creavity sometimes means a lousy idea or two. And even if only ONE of these ideas sell, well, that means LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of cash. Without further adieu I bring you these Reality Show ideas:
PRE MENSTRUAL ISLAND
What could be more interesting, more gut wrenching, then to watch three strapping young men forced to live on an Island for four weeks with threegroups of pre-menstrual women?! See the women, whine, complain, nag, moan....watch them scarf down piles of salty chips and enough chocolate to sink a battleship. Will our three young men be able to "survive" this hell on earth with their sanity intact, or will they decry heterosexuality for the pre-menstrual-less quiet of other men? If this ain't Must see TV I don't know what the heck is.
TEXAS 7 ISLAND:
You remember those fearless 7 who broke out of a Texas Prison and evaded capture for weeks don't you? Of course you do, and while you may have been frightened to know those lunatics were loose, you still, deep down inside, kinda admired the way they busted out an alluded law enforcement for weeks on end with nary a sighting. Well, we've put these men on their very own private island.
The idea is that they have to "escape" the island and make it back to civilization alive and in tact. The Island will be surrounded by man-eating sharks, pirranahs and all sort of monsters. The island will be crawling with yee-ha white trash hunters out for blood and a nice new pair of shoes!
There will be all kinds of surprises for our fearless convicts behind every corner, as booby traps, lunatics and nuclear arsenals will be ready to stop them from leaving the beautifiul white sand of the island paradise. The convicts have three weeks in which to scheme, plot and build a boat to get their butts off the island. If they are successful, they win a week's vacation in Disney Land and TV priviliges for a month in the clink.
If they aren't successful, they'll be executed LIVE by a Texas firing squad right on NATIONAL TV. Which in and of itself is a new show. Oh, and by the way, please don't point out that there are nowonly 6 convicts left. No kidding. The show is called the Texas 7 still cause we've taken the corpse of the dead one and hung it on a flag pole on the island. Call it our own personal show mascot....
MODEL ISLAND
Sure, on the surface it sounds boring. We take five Super Models and put them on a tropical Island together. You're thinking, hey...sun, sand, half naked bodies. But au contraire my friends...These models are placed on the island with NO make up, no tweezers, no razors, no combs, no hair dryers, no curlers, no shampoo.
We put these beauties down on the island with a bar of soap, a toothbrush, tube of toothbrush and a small travel size deodorant. As for clothes, they have a few jeans, white Tshirts, 5 pairs of underwear and socks, a bra and a pair of sneakers! Eh gads. Watch the transformation over 30 days as these cover girls go from beauty to beast. See the drama as they must actually initiate conversations with one another, without the adulation of fans and photographers to sustain their gigantic egos.
They must fend for themselves and do it looking worse then a long island house frau on welfare. Which ever model doesn't go insane, will be our grand prize winner of a complete makeover and dinner at the Mcdonalds of their choice. The losers will be locked up in an insane asylum and force-fed actual food, while having their hands restrained behind their backs so they can't stick fingers down their throat. Ahh, the drama!
WHO WOULD YOUR RATHER SLEEP WITH?
A new TV game show that dares to ask that excellent question and then makes the contestants actually have to "do" one of two choices. For example: "Ms Jones, you are stuck on a desert island and there is a gun to your head. You must choose one or the other. Who would you rather sleep with, this bloodied, headless corpse of that recently assasinated Political leader or TV Comedian Carrot Top?"
Ms Jones will have to choose one of them, and she'll have to actually sleep with the one she chooses right on camera! The longer the contestant is able to"do" their choice, the more money they win. Last two minutes, you win $1000, five minutes $5000, ten minutes, $10,000. If the contestant can do it for twenty minutes they win a grand prize of $100,000 dollars. If they refuse either of the choices, they are brutally killed and used as bait for the pirannahs and sharks of "Texas 7" Island.
BOUNTY HUNTER FOR A DAY
Yes, you can be a bounty hunter for a day! You'll get to chase bail jumpers and kill them, in any way or manner that you desire! You wanna drill a large screw through their skulls? You can do it! You wanna gut them and use their skin for lamp shades? Go for it! Wanna stab them til they are a mess of bloody pulp? No problem!!!
Yes, you can kill these societal menances and do it free from any type of prosecution or legal consequences!!!! Get out your aggression and relieve your violent tendencies, all the while ridding the good old USA of these evil criminal menances! "Bad boys bad boys whatcha ya gonna do,watchya gonna do when they come to kill you..."
South Park Parody
OSAMA MEETS THE AMERICAN MENACE
**Yes another 9/11 parody, just deal with it!***
Osama: (walking around the vast wastelands that are Afghanistan, feeling smug) Ahh, it's good to be king of the world. Take that James Cameron! (hears a small, squeaky voice, looks down)
Cartman: Hey you! Your Osama Bin Laden and I'm here to kick your a$$.
Osama: oh look, it's a little bitty cartoony American. My God, you people are laughable. Sending in a children's character to do your dirtywork. I'm going to start laughing in a moment.
Cartman: Yeah, you'll be laughing outta your a$$ when we get through with you! Respect my Authori-tay!
Osama: (yawning) You bore me, be gone little maggot else I'll throw some Anthrax spores in your face.
Cartman: (angry, turning red) You! I knew it, I knew it! (starts screaming)
Osama: (looking around) Will you please calm yourself down, I'm beginning to grow weary of this ridiculousness.
Cartman: Get ready for some serious butt whipping Mr Bin Loser. Beef Cake, Beef Cake! (Cartman squinches his eyes and clenches his fists, calling out for help) I call upon the forces of righteous monsters to kick your butt Osama. Here me Mech-Streisand, Answer me Sally Struthers and Kathie Lee Gifford! Come and bring down your vengeance Scuzzlebutt with the mighty Patrick Duffy as one of your legs. COME!
A loud roar is heard as Mecha Streisand is seen coming over the horizon, off to the side is Sally Struthers eating many of the humanitarian food packets that were dropped...
Osama: (surprised, shocked, horrified) What the....?
Carman:(laughing) You will now feel the wrath of the United States. Kathie Lee Gifford, do your stuff!
Kathie Lee starts chattering gaily about her clothing line, her kids, Reege etc, as Osama puts his hands over his ears and screams NO!
Cartman: Sally Struthers has eaten the remainder of your Taliban troops.You are virtually defenseless now, you have no one to control, bully and do your evil bidding.
Osama: You'll never get me you little American Cartoon pipsqueak, no one defeats Osama, no one...especially not cowardly Americans.
Cartman: (pointing) Mecha Streisand, Scuzzlebutt, finish up this terrorist nutcase. We'll show you cowardly. Attack him! Osama, feel the wrath of 250 million American Infidels!
Mecha Streisand sings a few notes of "Evergreen" which render Osama incapable of moving. At that, Scuzzlebutt, dragging the ever-cheerful Patrick Duffy, moves in for the kill, and rips off a chunk of Osamas skull, the Patrick Duffy leg kicking him in his terrorist jewels. Osama screams as Mecha Streisand dumps a bucket of Anthrax Laden Water on him.
Osama: (dying, shrivelling) What a world, what a world...who would have thought a small cartoon boy could take away all my wickedness...I'm melting...melting....arrrhg....
Mecha Streisand, Kathie Lee, Scuzzlebutt: (singing) Ding Dong Osama's dead...
Cartman: Stop it, Stop it! Wrong parody! (begins singing) Oh, Osama is a *itch, he's a *itch on Monday he's a *itch on Tuesday, he's a *itch on Wednesday....(fade out)
Parodies Part I
OSAMA BIN WONKA AND THE TERRORIST CAMP
(And Yes, I Know this is 9/11 old but too damn bad, it's still funny!)
Once upon a time, somewhere in Columbia....
Drug lord: (opening a packet of opium that was imported from Afghanistan, sees a small golden glint of paper...) Oh my God, I've got it, I've got it! I've got a golden ticket!
Drug Dude: (stoned) Huh? Ticket to what man, to ride?
Drug lord: No you idiot, a golden ticket. It says to present this ticket and you will be taken on a tour of Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh my god, hardly anyone has ever seen it and I'm going!!!(dances around merrily, clapping his hands)
Drug dude: (singing) Cause he's got a golden ticket, he's got a golden dream...(stops siging) oh damn, I forget the freakin rest....
Meanwhile, in the USA at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms....
ATF guy: (opening parcels, searching, shouting to workers) There's gotta be one here, somewhere, keep opening them. I want every person here working overtime until we find one. I want a golden ticket and I want one NOW!
One of the ATF underlings finally finds a ticket from amongst the packages of confiscated opium seized in various drug busts.
And in Pakistan.....
Al Qaeida wanna-be: (looking down, see's something glinting from amongsome food aid packages and discarded drug stuff...) oh my god! I've found a golden ticket, I'm going to see Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh praise Allah!
And, on the appointed day, the three lucky winners arrive at a cave entrance somewhere in Afghanistan. The mood is hushed, as planes overhead blare American Propaganda from the U.S. Military: "We got more money than you, we got bigger machines, we got food in our bellies. We gonna kick your butt!"
The three winners await the arrival of Bin Wonka. Suddenly, from the cave entrance, walking slowly, limping and using a cane, is Bin Wonka. Dressed in a white flowing garment and an ugly brown turban, Bin Wonka slowly ambles towards the three and stops right in front of the ATF guy who is giving him a funny look.
Bin Wonka: (to ATF guy) Well, what are you staring at?
ATF guy: Sorry, for some reason I expected you to drop the cane and do a flip. Silly me. Nice to see you're really incapacitated though!(smirks)
Bin Wonka: Shut up, I'm about to sing here. (starts to sing as he walks into the cave, the three following him) "Come with me and you'll be, in a world of pure terrorization.......If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it, put a gun to your head, pull the trigger, justdo it....There is no life I know like the one of pure annihilation...blah blah blah..." (you get the point)
Terrorist/drug lord: (looking around at the messy cave) oh yeah, this isparadise all right. (sniffs something he pulls out of his pocket)
Al-Qaeida-wanna-be: It's beautiful. The rock walls, the rock floor...the big screen TV...
Bin Wonka: Here, I want you all to taste something. It is from my newest invention and is still a secret. I call it, "Anthrax gum".
ATF guy: I'll take one of those, but I aint gonna eat it.
Drug lord: Ditto.
Al-qaeida-wanna-be: Give it here. I'll try it. (grabs gum and chews it) oh my goodness. I feel funny...kinda itchy and feverish inside...(swells up like a balloon and turns blotchy red).
Bin Wonka: Well, it works! Thanks alot. Say Hi to Allah for me. (before the wanna-be can respond, Bin Wonka rolls him out of the room) Well,well, one gone and two remain....(laughs eerily)
Bin Wonka leads the two into another part of the cave and shows them some opium samples he is working on. The drug lord grabs a pinch and sniffs it.
Bin Wonka: (sarcastically) No, don't...
Drug lord: Wow! This is great! I feel so free! (Begins floating in theair, rising up)
Bin Wonka: (singing again) "he don't know which way he is going...is it poison that he is blowing..is it lethal, is it fatal, there is no earthly way of knowing...He's rising higher so the danger must be growing...."
Drug lord: (rising higher) Hey, get me down man, I'm gonna hit the top of this cave..help! help! (Hits top of cave, smashing skull and falls to the ground dead)
Bin Wonka: Hmmm...guess that works okay too.
ATF guy: I doubt many people will be snorting that stuff in a cave.
Bin Wonka: Well, there's always something that needs working on. But we digress young man, you are the ONLY one that is left. You know what that means don't you?
ATF guy: I don't think it means I inherit the "organization" does it? You aren't going to fly me over the land in a makeshift elevator I hope?
Bin Wonka: No, silly....I'm just gonna kill ya. Why do you think I gotyou here in the first place?
ATF guy: (laughing) I think there is just one TINY thing you've overlooked here. I mean really, stop and think for just one moment.
Bin Wonka: (perplexed, angry) You're just trying to forestall the inevitable, now quit your psychological babble yapping.
ATF guy: Jesus Christ you are stupid. You've been in hiding right, so noone can find you? You sent out TICKETS with your location on there dumb a$$. I'm from the U.S. gov't numb-nuts. Add two and two together for crying out loud.
Bin Wonka: (confused) Is this where I'm supposed to sing? Umm...Let's see, did the world of pure imagination song, did the scary song....did I do the "I want it all song" Nope, that's not supposed to be me....
ATF guy: (shrugging his shoulders, rolling his eyes) You really are cracked.I'm surprised you were able to organize a trip to the bathroom!
Bin Wonka: (upset) Stop, you're confusing me. I think there's supposed to be music here....
ATF guy: Yeah, there is. Oh boys....(in come U.S. troops, with AK47 rifles in hand, uniforms gleaming, they form a line and begin to sing)
American Troops: (singing to the tune of the "Candy Man") Who can take a terrorist, sprinkle him with gunfire, cover him with missiles and a punch or two? The Americans Can, The Americans Can. The Americans can! The Americans can cause there filled with righteous indignation and they'll make the whole wide world become good....
The American troops sing, dancing off with a thoroughly surprised BinWonka who is handcuffed and hauled off. As the Armed Forces leave thereare still a few small little minion terrorists left hidden in the bowelsof the cave.They form a procession and begin singing...
Minion terrorists: Oompa Loompa doompa di do, I've got another puzzlefor you. Oompa Loompa doompa di di, if you are wise you'll listen to me.Don't get a big head and think you can rule the whole world and killlots of people (chorus: kill lots of peopel) If you are bad theAmericans will come after you, and teach you justice just like (just like) the oompa di do!!!
Of course, that's the last song the little minion terrorists will ever sing, as their little terrorist cave gets blasted to bits by the latest in modern missile technology. The end boys and gals!
(And Yes, I Know this is 9/11 old but too damn bad, it's still funny!)
Once upon a time, somewhere in Columbia....
Drug lord: (opening a packet of opium that was imported from Afghanistan, sees a small golden glint of paper...) Oh my God, I've got it, I've got it! I've got a golden ticket!
Drug Dude: (stoned) Huh? Ticket to what man, to ride?
Drug lord: No you idiot, a golden ticket. It says to present this ticket and you will be taken on a tour of Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh my god, hardly anyone has ever seen it and I'm going!!!(dances around merrily, clapping his hands)
Drug dude: (singing) Cause he's got a golden ticket, he's got a golden dream...(stops siging) oh damn, I forget the freakin rest....
Meanwhile, in the USA at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms....
ATF guy: (opening parcels, searching, shouting to workers) There's gotta be one here, somewhere, keep opening them. I want every person here working overtime until we find one. I want a golden ticket and I want one NOW!
One of the ATF underlings finally finds a ticket from amongst the packages of confiscated opium seized in various drug busts.
And in Pakistan.....
Al Qaeida wanna-be: (looking down, see's something glinting from amongsome food aid packages and discarded drug stuff...) oh my god! I've found a golden ticket, I'm going to see Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh praise Allah!
And, on the appointed day, the three lucky winners arrive at a cave entrance somewhere in Afghanistan. The mood is hushed, as planes overhead blare American Propaganda from the U.S. Military: "We got more money than you, we got bigger machines, we got food in our bellies. We gonna kick your butt!"
The three winners await the arrival of Bin Wonka. Suddenly, from the cave entrance, walking slowly, limping and using a cane, is Bin Wonka. Dressed in a white flowing garment and an ugly brown turban, Bin Wonka slowly ambles towards the three and stops right in front of the ATF guy who is giving him a funny look.
Bin Wonka: (to ATF guy) Well, what are you staring at?
ATF guy: Sorry, for some reason I expected you to drop the cane and do a flip. Silly me. Nice to see you're really incapacitated though!(smirks)
Bin Wonka: Shut up, I'm about to sing here. (starts to sing as he walks into the cave, the three following him) "Come with me and you'll be, in a world of pure terrorization.......If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it, put a gun to your head, pull the trigger, justdo it....There is no life I know like the one of pure annihilation...blah blah blah..." (you get the point)
Terrorist/drug lord: (looking around at the messy cave) oh yeah, this isparadise all right. (sniffs something he pulls out of his pocket)
Al-Qaeida-wanna-be: It's beautiful. The rock walls, the rock floor...the big screen TV...
Bin Wonka: Here, I want you all to taste something. It is from my newest invention and is still a secret. I call it, "Anthrax gum".
ATF guy: I'll take one of those, but I aint gonna eat it.
Drug lord: Ditto.
Al-qaeida-wanna-be: Give it here. I'll try it. (grabs gum and chews it) oh my goodness. I feel funny...kinda itchy and feverish inside...(swells up like a balloon and turns blotchy red).
Bin Wonka: Well, it works! Thanks alot. Say Hi to Allah for me. (before the wanna-be can respond, Bin Wonka rolls him out of the room) Well,well, one gone and two remain....(laughs eerily)
Bin Wonka leads the two into another part of the cave and shows them some opium samples he is working on. The drug lord grabs a pinch and sniffs it.
Bin Wonka: (sarcastically) No, don't...
Drug lord: Wow! This is great! I feel so free! (Begins floating in theair, rising up)
Bin Wonka: (singing again) "he don't know which way he is going...is it poison that he is blowing..is it lethal, is it fatal, there is no earthly way of knowing...He's rising higher so the danger must be growing...."
Drug lord: (rising higher) Hey, get me down man, I'm gonna hit the top of this cave..help! help! (Hits top of cave, smashing skull and falls to the ground dead)
Bin Wonka: Hmmm...guess that works okay too.
ATF guy: I doubt many people will be snorting that stuff in a cave.
Bin Wonka: Well, there's always something that needs working on. But we digress young man, you are the ONLY one that is left. You know what that means don't you?
ATF guy: I don't think it means I inherit the "organization" does it? You aren't going to fly me over the land in a makeshift elevator I hope?
Bin Wonka: No, silly....I'm just gonna kill ya. Why do you think I gotyou here in the first place?
ATF guy: (laughing) I think there is just one TINY thing you've overlooked here. I mean really, stop and think for just one moment.
Bin Wonka: (perplexed, angry) You're just trying to forestall the inevitable, now quit your psychological babble yapping.
ATF guy: Jesus Christ you are stupid. You've been in hiding right, so noone can find you? You sent out TICKETS with your location on there dumb a$$. I'm from the U.S. gov't numb-nuts. Add two and two together for crying out loud.
Bin Wonka: (confused) Is this where I'm supposed to sing? Umm...Let's see, did the world of pure imagination song, did the scary song....did I do the "I want it all song" Nope, that's not supposed to be me....
ATF guy: (shrugging his shoulders, rolling his eyes) You really are cracked.I'm surprised you were able to organize a trip to the bathroom!
Bin Wonka: (upset) Stop, you're confusing me. I think there's supposed to be music here....
ATF guy: Yeah, there is. Oh boys....(in come U.S. troops, with AK47 rifles in hand, uniforms gleaming, they form a line and begin to sing)
American Troops: (singing to the tune of the "Candy Man") Who can take a terrorist, sprinkle him with gunfire, cover him with missiles and a punch or two? The Americans Can, The Americans Can. The Americans can! The Americans can cause there filled with righteous indignation and they'll make the whole wide world become good....
The American troops sing, dancing off with a thoroughly surprised BinWonka who is handcuffed and hauled off. As the Armed Forces leave thereare still a few small little minion terrorists left hidden in the bowelsof the cave.They form a procession and begin singing...
Minion terrorists: Oompa Loompa doompa di do, I've got another puzzlefor you. Oompa Loompa doompa di di, if you are wise you'll listen to me.Don't get a big head and think you can rule the whole world and killlots of people (chorus: kill lots of peopel) If you are bad theAmericans will come after you, and teach you justice just like (just like) the oompa di do!!!
Of course, that's the last song the little minion terrorists will ever sing, as their little terrorist cave gets blasted to bits by the latest in modern missile technology. The end boys and gals!
Heath Ledger
Heath Ledger is dead. I am very upset and shocked. And because there must always be someone to blame to ease the anger, I'm blaming Mary Kate Olsen. I could blame the masseuse for calling MKO three times before dialing 911, sure. But that's too boring and too easy. So, sorry MKO, it's all your damn fault! I feel better now.
Smash New Movie
Yes there are images of something on Mars, a hairy bigfoot? And you know what that means, Hollywood is gonna get in on it!
COMING SUMMER OF 2009.....
The new, most exciting movie of the decade: Bigfoot on Mars! Starring Tom Cruise as L. Ron Dummard, a wacky "scientist" who hijacks a Nasa shuttle to Mars because he is the only one WHO KNOWS that Mars is overrun with the hairy apes.
Yes, it's L.Ron Dummards mission to save these creatures from the rampant Ghost Aliens that have escaped from Earth and made their way to Mars.....
You'll laugh hysterically like a braying donkey for no discernable reason at this mega movie thriller! Get set, Get ready, it'll knock your Suppressive Person socks off!! Bigfoot on Mars, in a theatre somewhere possibly on this planet!
COMING SUMMER OF 2009.....
The new, most exciting movie of the decade: Bigfoot on Mars! Starring Tom Cruise as L. Ron Dummard, a wacky "scientist" who hijacks a Nasa shuttle to Mars because he is the only one WHO KNOWS that Mars is overrun with the hairy apes.
Yes, it's L.Ron Dummards mission to save these creatures from the rampant Ghost Aliens that have escaped from Earth and made their way to Mars.....
You'll laugh hysterically like a braying donkey for no discernable reason at this mega movie thriller! Get set, Get ready, it'll knock your Suppressive Person socks off!! Bigfoot on Mars, in a theatre somewhere possibly on this planet!
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