Parodies Part I

OSAMA BIN WONKA AND THE TERRORIST CAMP

(And Yes, I Know this is 9/11 old but too damn bad, it's still funny!)


Once upon a time, somewhere in Columbia....

Drug lord: (opening a packet of opium that was imported from Afghanistan, sees a small golden glint of paper...) Oh my God, I've got it, I've got it! I've got a golden ticket!

Drug Dude: (stoned) Huh? Ticket to what man, to ride?

Drug lord: No you idiot, a golden ticket. It says to present this ticket and you will be taken on a tour of Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh my god, hardly anyone has ever seen it and I'm going!!!(dances around merrily, clapping his hands)

Drug dude: (singing) Cause he's got a golden ticket, he's got a golden dream...(stops siging) oh damn, I forget the freakin rest....

Meanwhile, in the USA at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms....


ATF guy: (opening parcels, searching, shouting to workers) There's gotta be one here, somewhere, keep opening them. I want every person here working overtime until we find one. I want a golden ticket and I want one NOW!

One of the ATF underlings finally finds a ticket from amongst the packages of confiscated opium seized in various drug busts.

And in Pakistan.....


Al Qaeida wanna-be: (looking down, see's something glinting from amongsome food aid packages and discarded drug stuff...) oh my god! I've found a golden ticket, I'm going to see Osama Bin Wonka's terrorist camp! Oh praise Allah!

And, on the appointed day, the three lucky winners arrive at a cave entrance somewhere in Afghanistan. The mood is hushed, as planes overhead blare American Propaganda from the U.S. Military: "We got more money than you, we got bigger machines, we got food in our bellies. We gonna kick your butt!"

The three winners await the arrival of Bin Wonka. Suddenly, from the cave entrance, walking slowly, limping and using a cane, is Bin Wonka. Dressed in a white flowing garment and an ugly brown turban, Bin Wonka slowly ambles towards the three and stops right in front of the ATF guy who is giving him a funny look.

Bin Wonka: (to ATF guy) Well, what are you staring at?

ATF guy: Sorry, for some reason I expected you to drop the cane and do a flip. Silly me. Nice to see you're really incapacitated though!(smirks)

Bin Wonka: Shut up, I'm about to sing here. (starts to sing as he walks into the cave, the three following him) "Come with me and you'll be, in a world of pure terrorization.......If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it, put a gun to your head, pull the trigger, justdo it....There is no life I know like the one of pure annihilation...blah blah blah..." (you get the point)

Terrorist/drug lord: (looking around at the messy cave) oh yeah, this isparadise all right. (sniffs something he pulls out of his pocket)

Al-Qaeida-wanna-be: It's beautiful. The rock walls, the rock floor...the big screen TV...

Bin Wonka: Here, I want you all to taste something. It is from my newest invention and is still a secret. I call it, "Anthrax gum".

ATF guy: I'll take one of those, but I aint gonna eat it.

Drug lord: Ditto.

Al-qaeida-wanna-be: Give it here. I'll try it. (grabs gum and chews it) oh my goodness. I feel funny...kinda itchy and feverish inside...(swells up like a balloon and turns blotchy red).

Bin Wonka: Well, it works! Thanks alot. Say Hi to Allah for me. (before the wanna-be can respond, Bin Wonka rolls him out of the room) Well,well, one gone and two remain....(laughs eerily)

Bin Wonka leads the two into another part of the cave and shows them some opium samples he is working on. The drug lord grabs a pinch and sniffs it.

Bin Wonka: (sarcastically) No, don't...

Drug lord: Wow! This is great! I feel so free! (Begins floating in theair, rising up)

Bin Wonka: (singing again) "he don't know which way he is going...is it poison that he is blowing..is it lethal, is it fatal, there is no earthly way of knowing...He's rising higher so the danger must be growing...."

Drug lord: (rising higher) Hey, get me down man, I'm gonna hit the top of this cave..help! help! (Hits top of cave, smashing skull and falls to the ground dead)

Bin Wonka: Hmmm...guess that works okay too.

ATF guy: I doubt many people will be snorting that stuff in a cave.

Bin Wonka: Well, there's always something that needs working on. But we digress young man, you are the ONLY one that is left. You know what that means don't you?

ATF guy: I don't think it means I inherit the "organization" does it? You aren't going to fly me over the land in a makeshift elevator I hope?

Bin Wonka: No, silly....I'm just gonna kill ya. Why do you think I gotyou here in the first place?

ATF guy: (laughing) I think there is just one TINY thing you've overlooked here. I mean really, stop and think for just one moment.

Bin Wonka: (perplexed, angry) You're just trying to forestall the inevitable, now quit your psychological babble yapping.

ATF guy: Jesus Christ you are stupid. You've been in hiding right, so noone can find you? You sent out TICKETS with your location on there dumb a$$. I'm from the U.S. gov't numb-nuts. Add two and two together for crying out loud.


Bin Wonka: (confused) Is this where I'm supposed to sing? Umm...Let's see, did the world of pure imagination song, did the scary song....did I do the "I want it all song" Nope, that's not supposed to be me....

ATF guy: (shrugging his shoulders, rolling his eyes) You really are cracked.I'm surprised you were able to organize a trip to the bathroom!

Bin Wonka: (upset) Stop, you're confusing me. I think there's supposed to be music here....

ATF guy: Yeah, there is. Oh boys....(in come U.S. troops, with AK47 rifles in hand, uniforms gleaming, they form a line and begin to sing)

American Troops: (singing to the tune of the "Candy Man") Who can take a terrorist, sprinkle him with gunfire, cover him with missiles and a punch or two? The Americans Can, The Americans Can. The Americans can! The Americans can cause there filled with righteous indignation and they'll make the whole wide world become good....

The American troops sing, dancing off with a thoroughly surprised BinWonka who is handcuffed and hauled off. As the Armed Forces leave thereare still a few small little minion terrorists left hidden in the bowelsof the cave.They form a procession and begin singing...

Minion terrorists: Oompa Loompa doompa di do, I've got another puzzlefor you. Oompa Loompa doompa di di, if you are wise you'll listen to me.Don't get a big head and think you can rule the whole world and killlots of people (chorus: kill lots of peopel) If you are bad theAmericans will come after you, and teach you justice just like (just like) the oompa di do!!!

Of course, that's the last song the little minion terrorists will ever sing, as their little terrorist cave gets blasted to bits by the latest in modern missile technology. The end boys and gals!