OMG I'M SO LOST!

And not in a good way! What am I gonna do for five weeks? And anyone who is whispering "get a life" you know where you can go! HA HA. I love Lost and I'm not ashamed to admit it. At least I'm not taking meth and picking at my face a la Amy Whinehouse or sitting on the toilet for over a month while my butt congeals onto the seat. So there! I told you!!!!!

COUNTDOWN TIL THE NEXT NEW EPISODE OF LOST: Four Weeks


BUGABOO

I went to Bugaboo, as in the restaurant, on Saturday with a friend from work and damn, the wedge salad and the mashed potatoes were awesome. If it weren't for the talking Moose scaring the crap out of me every 20 minutes I'd give it 4 stars!!!!


JANIS

You go girl!!!!! You know what I be talking about! Go! Girl! Go!

LAST EPISODE OF LOST.......

Well, for at least a month. HA HA. Scared ya didn't I? Okay I scared myself but luckily it only lasted less than a time-travel-through-my-mind instant. Tonight on LOST we will be seeing more of Kevin Johnson AKA Michael. Maybe we'll find out how much he enjoys cleaning up the blood and tears on the good ship lollipop. Someone is supposed to die tonight. All I can say is, if it's Desmond, I will be so very very unhappy. I need my weekly fix of him in his unbuttoned shirt or I'll go insane. Not Minkowski insane mind you, just plain insane. I'm hoping this week's episode is more interesting then the prior find the panda one. I like Jin and Sun, but that was just too much. And I don't think Jin is dead. I think they are lying about that. The Oceanic 6 that is. And yeah, I guess I was wrong on the O6. It is supposedly Aaron who is the 6th and obviously NOT Jin. Well I can only go by the spoilers I read, I'm not psychic!


SPHINCTER: THE NEXT BIG PLASTIC SURGERY CRAZE!

Some German old lady is suing the hospital where she went in for a leg operation and got a brand spankin' (PUN ALERT) new anus instead. Yep, she was mixed up with some other patient who was suffering from incontinence and went in for surgery on her sphincter. Hey, the lady should be glad to have a new poop shoot at her age, you never know when it'll come in handy. And if that last sentence wasn't a blatant pun I don't know what is! HA HA. Once Hollywood gets (PUN ALERT) wind of this, the stars will all be clammering for new butt holes too. I bet Tom Cruise has already scheduled an appointment with his doctor!!!!!

JENNIFER LOPEZ'S TWINS

I don't care. But obviously I'm talking about it so I bet old Jello is happy. If I could cancel this issue of my PEOPLE subscription I would. I can't believe anyone would pay her $6 mil for pictures of her babies. So she gave birth? Wow. How uncommon. How incredible. Oh I'm just being snarky cause I can't stand Jello and her Skeletor husband. With all her money, her and hubby should give that $6 mil to charity. Instead, they are probably painting the nursery in 24 Karat gold.

LOST

Jin is dead and Michael is Ben's cleaning man on the boat???? Hmm.... Well let's hope the next episode is a doozy since it'll be the last one for over a month. I guess I can't complain about tonight's episode. I did get to see a few shots of Des with his shirt almost totally undone. So, all is not LOST. HA HA.

WOMEN TAKE FOREVER IN THE BATHROOM

For one woman, it was actually two years. Apparently, this young woman needed alot of time to do her primping and grooming. And two years later, after her ass was melded to the toilet seat, I guess her and her boyfriend decided she was done! Cops were called to some trailer park in Kansas (no wonder Dorothy wanted outta there) and found a woman sitting on the toilet seat, her skin grating onto and growing around the seat. The boyfriend was nice enough about it, brining her food and drink and asking her everyday if she was coming out. "Maybe tomorrow" was her unquestionably lucid retort. Cops don't know yet if there any physical or mental disabilities however, it doesn't seem like a very far stretch to say YEAH mental problems times mega atom blast ten going on in that white trash palace. .

NOW YA KNOW!

At least one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease! So much for easier access to condoms. Wow this generations rocks! And my stats come straight from CNN.com so ya know it has to be true!!!!


LOST COUNTDOWN

Two more days til we find out if Michael is the MOB (Man on Boat). I hope we get a gratuitous shot of an unbuttoned shirt Des!!!! But I'll take Sayid in a pinch. Heck I'll even take one of Jack. Oh who am I kidding? I'm grateful for a shot of my fur footed pal, Vincent.


$5000 AN HOUR

That's the amount that soon-to-be ex Gov. Spitzer paid some high class "escort" to do him. Honestly, who would pay ANYBODY that amount for sex? Dude, unless the hooker crapped out diamonds afterwards, it wasn't worth it!!! Now shut up, resign and crawl back into whatever sludge pit you came from.

KIDS IN THE HOOD

When I say hood I mean literally, hood. As in a hooded sweatshirt. I was at the mall on Friday night and 95% of the teenagers were wearing hooded shirts with the hoods UP. This was inside the mall. Yes, it was raining, but that was OUTSIDE. I don't get it. What's with the hood up? When I was a teen, if someone was wearing a hood inside (or even outside for that matter) they were either gonna rob someone or everyone else was gonna point at them and laugh their assess off! How times change.......

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

When you think Rock and Roll Hall of Famer's you think Beatles, Rolling Stones or Led Zepellin. What you do not think is Madonna. Yep, I did say the word Madonna and Rock and Roll hall of fame in the same sentence. It's all true.

While I liked Madonna in the day, never did I EVER consider her Rock and Roll. Especially Hall of Fame material. When Madonna makes it into the RRHF before Journey there is something seriously and horrendously wrong with this world. In fact, it's such a frightening thought I cannot write anymore on this subject!

Tonights Lost Episode

THE OTHER WOMAN

Some random, quick thoughts on the just ended Lost episode. I may expand on it tomorrow, but then again, I may not think of anything else interesting. Not that I'm saying this is. Yeah, I'm saying it is!!!

I know who Ben's "mole" is. It's the wife of Goodwin, Harper. She had a big mole on her face, get it? Ha ha. Okay I thought it was funny. Anyway, tonight's episode wasn't as electrifying as last week's with the open shirt Desmond, but it wasn't bad.

I'm still confused as hell but what else is knew. It was hysterical to find out good old Juliet was knocking boots with her shrink's hubby. Poor Goodwin. Gutted by Ben or the Tailies by proxie. So Juliet is Ben's. Could that mean that she is Annie (Ben's childhood love) and just doesn't remember? It's possible. I mean Faraday didn't remember meeting Des back in 1996 so it could be true. Or I could just be grasping at straws.

Loved how Ben taped over the Red Sox to catch Widmore on Candid Camera. I mean, couldn't he get like a clean tape for that? Wouldn't you think that would be important enough to not have to copy over something else? I do. Especially the RED SOX! But that's just me.
I don't know, is Ben good or bad? I don't think we are gonna know til the Series Finale. Even then it might not be clear.

I did enjoy watching Kate get clocked. I don't know why, but she is the one Lostaway that really gets on my nerves. There was no doubt she'd live since we saw her all sappy over Aaron a few episodes back.

Some opinions: Locke is dumb and Jack is clueless. Just saying.

I don't think Faraday and Charlotte are bad, per se. But I don't think they are as benevolent as they are trying to appear. Well, at least Charlotte. I like Faraday. He is a space cadet yet endearing. That probably means he will wind up being the evil genius behind everything.

Jack kissing Juliet was BORING. I wanted to throw my Pepsi can at the TV. But the looks on Sawyer and Hurley's face when Ben was sauntering freely, laundry in hand, was priceless.


EPISODE SHOUT OUT TO:

Vincent! Good to see you my yellow furred friend!

FUNNIEST LINES:

Ben:(as Locke serves him a dinner of cooked Bunny Rabbit) "This didn't have a number on it did it?"

Ben: (carrying his dainties towards his cabin as a shocked Sawyer and Hurley try to wash theWTFness looks off their faces): See you at dinner!

NOW YA KNOW!

There are certain things that are so incredibly important that if you didn't know them your life would not be complete. You wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Something would seem to be "missing" and you wouldn't know why. So I will be gracious and kind enough to share these little tidbits with you so that you can live a fuller existence. And so.......


Miley Cyrus likes to drink Ketchup from a bottle.

And now, YA KNOW. Discuss......



PLAGIARISM

Here's a quote from that chick who wrote that fake memoir "Love and Consquences" about her supposed life as a half-indian foster child of a black BIG MOMMA in LA's hood. What I would like to know is, did she even write the book herself, cause she sounds stupid and semi-literate. Which really, should have been a dead give away to her Publishers. And here is the illustrious quote with my comments in all Caps:

"For whatever reason, (TOO STUPID TO EVEN GIVE A BAD EXCUSE) I was really torn and I thought it was my opportunity to put a voice to people who people don’t listen to,”(YEAH PEOPLE WHO PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN TO. PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE??) Seltzer told the paper. “I was in a position where at one point people (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?) said you should speak for us because nobody else is going to let us in to talk. Maybe it’s an ego thing —(NOW THIS IS A TRUTHFUL GEM) I don’t know. I just felt that there was good that I could do and there was no other way that someone would listen to it.” (NO, YOU MEAN THERE IS NO OTHER WAY SOMEONE WOULD HAVE PAID YOU BIG BUCKS TO SPILL A STORY ABOUT SOME WHITE HALF INDIAN CHICK IN THE HOOD!)

PATRICK SWAYZE

I read Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. I have nothing funny to say about that. I wish him well and a speedy recovery! Okay I'll same something funny. I really hope the hasn't had "the time of his life" yet. I guess if I have to explain that last sentence then it isn't funny. Oh well, I tried!

LOST

One more day til Lost! I almost got through this entire posting without mentioning Lost, but I just couldn't do it!

MY CONSTANT

After Last Thursday's Lost episode, "The Constant" I got to thinking, Hmm...what would be *MY* constant? You know if ever I were to go time trippin' through my mind from the past to the present to the future and back again. Like good old Des. My god, Desmond looked gorgeous in the "present" with his long flowing hair and opened to the crotch shirt. He probably freaked out in the helicopter when he realized how good looking he was! But I digress. If I were to have a Constant I would have to pick the one thing that would be there no matter what. The one thing that wouldn't die, or turn its back on me, or disappear into another dimension. That thing is Pepsi. Yes Pepsi, you are my Constant. And Pepsi Manufacturers, I am available to do commercials no matter what the decade. Just don't ask me to wear bell bottoms. I do have some standards!


NO, I'M F**KING BEN AFFLECK!

Sorry Jimmy Kimmel but your old news! Not only am I doing Ben, I'm also doing Matt Damon. And if your girlfriend Sarah Silverman was any good looking, I'd be doing her too!!! So you can pretend all you want and put out as many videos on Youtube as you want, we both know the REAL truth!

SEMI-PRO

No, I'm not talking about me taking money for Sex! HA HA. You silly!!! I'm talking about the new Wil Ferrell movie! I saw this on Friday night and I am happy to report that I was entertained. Wil Ferrell you have fulfilled your duty as comedian. No, it wasn't the most original of concepts, but it did make me laugh my ass off. I don't think this was due to the fact that I was happy to finally be out of the house after all the snow, but feel free to argue the point with me. The movie was alot like Ferrell's other flicks Anchorman, Blades of Glory and Talledaga Nights. I thought all three movies were hysterical so this is good news for Ferrell fans. Without giving anything away, I will say that the funniest parts of the movie were with the bear. As in Grizzly. Make sure you stay when the credits role or you'll miss out on the remaining laughs.