LOST FIVE SECOND SEASON FINALE RECAP:


DESMOND Still alive and still have dressed.


More in-depth info coming soon!

LOST WITHDRAWL

Much like Jack with his Oxycontin addiction, I am needing me a fix of Lost and fast. But no, my friends, it is not on tomorrow. I must wait yet another week to see the 2 hour finale. Not only that, but they are airing the first part of the finale again with extra footage! If this isn't must see television I don't know what is! It isn't a spoiler or anything to say, but I will tell ya, cause I can't keep my yap shut. Remember the story the O6 concocted about how there was 8 that survived the inital plane crash? Well, that extra footage will reveal who they were. It was Boone, Libby and someone else whose name I can't remember at this second. The producers say that they have absolutely no bearing on the story, they just needed some names to put in the lie. So there you go. Watch it next week and you can find out the third dead Lostie my little brain has blanked out on.

And the mystery of who is gonna be in the Coffin will be revealed. One person who it is NOT, is Michael. Yes, that is a statement of fact. One of the people it COULD be includes Locke, Ben and Desmond. Now I'm sure TPTB (the powers that be) do not want to give me a heart attack or cause me to end up next to Hurley in the insane asylum. So please, for the love of all that is holy and Lost, DO NOT KILL DESMOND!!!!!

I am currently a basket case awaiting the Season Finale and I am trying SOOOOO hard to not read any spoilers. The entire plot for the Season Finale is online and I am not going to do what I did last year. Yes, I knew about the Flash Forward and Jack in a drug fueled rage yelling "Kate we have to go baaackk..." While the episode was still awesome, I am sure I would have had a major WTF moment if I hadn't known. So, I will now try my hardest to not peek at any spoiler sites. It's hard, yes, but I think I can do it. Desmond, with the open shirt gorgeousness that you are, give me strength! Amen Brutha!!!!


COOL INFO FROM TPTB VIA LATEST LOST PODCAST:

1. ABC will re-air part one of There's No Place Like Home before the finale with an extended press conference scene. (the names of three dead Losties!!!!)
2. We will probably be seeing Walt again... soon.
3. Carlton's favorite character is Sawyer, while Damon's is Jack.
4.Damon said that Jack, Ben and Widmore can not die until the Island is done with them.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME --PART I

There's no place like home, there's no place like home, repeated Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and she was magically and happily wisked back home via the ruby slippers. Not so much for our Oceanic 6. Sitting there on the plane ride back to Hawaii no one was smiling or excited to be free of the Island and the prospect of imminent civilization. The whole atmosphere was best characterized by the pilots flying them home, one of whom was clasping a rabbit's foot:"We need this thing. With the cargo we got back there. Bad Mojo." Whoa. If the pilots are saying that, it can't be good.

Jack, as ever, has to speak for everybody. And then suddenly, what we never thought possible way back from episode one has happened: our Losties are off the Island. Well, some of them. They greet their families, save for Kate and Sayid, and mechanically say their story to the reporters gathered. As I said ,way back in episode one, we would have thought of this homecoming as an ending to the show. But not now. It's just the beginning.

So I was wrong last week. I guess Jack wasn't a complete idiot for taking the sat phone and following the signal. Apparently, that's what Lapidus wanted. Well okay, I'm wrong. I still think Jack was stupid, and I'm sticking to that! Sawyer and Miles catch up with Jack and Kate, Aaron is handed off to Kate and off go our heroes to find the helicopter. I love how Sawyer got that little dig in to Jack when he told him how the freighter animals tried to kill them, "just like Locke said they would." And knockout! Sawyer shoots and he scores.

LIES LIES LIES.....

The O6 lies about Kate being Aaron's mom, Jin dying in the plane and how they washed up on the Island of Mumbata. We don't know who told them to tell this story or exactly why they concocted it, but I'm sure that will be answered in the 2 hour finale. Hey if Nicole Kidman is 6 months preggers and looks like she just ate a big meal, then Kate could have been and no one noticed when the Marshalls apprehended her in Australia.


WERE OFF TO SEE THE ORCHID, THE WONDERFUL ORCHID OF OZ

Hurley, Ben and Locke are on the way to move the Island when Ben makes a pit stop and unburies a box with a mirror, binoculars and some saltines! Ben signals someone with the mirror and seems to be back in control of things again. A big change from last week when he seemed ready to cede defeat to Locke. Who was he signalling? If I were to take a stab at it, I would guess he's signalling Richard and Co to meet him at the Orchid for the hijinks that are about to ensue. Ben tells Locke it's "none of his business" when he asks what the signal was. So much for Locke being in charge. Jacob/Christian may have told Locke to move the Island, but it's clear that Ben is the one who knows how to do it and is in control as ever.

HOSTILE TAKE OVER

Not the Hostiles, but a business take over. Sun is pissed and she's putting daddy in his place. She's got controlling ownership of his company and dammit, he better respect her! Could the O6 be in on it with Sun, are they the "five bank accounts" that Paik's cohorts were speaking about? Perhaps they are all in on it together because they suspect Paik's Dharma involvement and they are going to use the company resources to get back to the Island? Well, it's a theory. I didn't say it was good one!

SURPRISE!!!!

It's Hurley's party and he'll hurl a Jesus statue if he wants to! I definitely heard whispers just like the ones on the Island before Hurley discovers the guests waiting for him outside. It's just another push in the direction of insanity for poor Hugo! And when Daddy Cheech Marin shows him the car and the odometer reads the same as the NUMBERS, well, that's about all Hurley can stand. I had to laugh as he lumbered off trying to run away.

UH OH

Keamy's men have made it to the Orchid before Ben and pals. That cannot be good. But never fear, Ben is prepared to sacrifice himself so that Locke can get inside the Orchid and do whatever it is he needs to do. Keamy puts a gun to Ben's head and then poor Ben gets smacked down for about the millionth time in the show. How many punches can this guy take? Someone needs to alert the Guiness people.

SEXY BACK

Good God did Desmond look fine on the freighter. Oops, sorry, I digress. Okay, I'm fine now. Daniel dumps off a bunch of Losties and Sun and Jin come face to face with old buddy Michael! Someone hand them a tissue, it's gonna be a tear fest. The good news, the engines are fixed. The bad news, there's a ton of explosives ready to blow the freighter folks to smithereens. This is especially bad news for me, since Desmond just happens to be on that freighter. If Desmond goes bye bye, I am gonna lose it big time. Could Desmond be the one in the coffin at the end of Season Three? NOOOOOO!!!!!

YOU HAVE A SISTER

Christian's memorial service seemed like a real snooze fest until Jack meets a mysterious stranger who spills the news that Daddy Dearest fathered another child out of wedlock. And that person is none other than Claire!!! Cue the music. I thought I was watching an episode of General Hospital for a moment! Aaron has a grandmama who is looking mighty good after coming out of a coma and all. See, it is just like General Hospital! Jack looks like he could use a dose of Oxycontin after that piece of news.

THE OTHERS ARE BACK!!!

Richard comes calmly out of the jungle as a bunch of Others aim some extreme firepower on Sayid and Kate. I don't think they mean harm. Kate and Sayid are lucky it was them and not the Fearsome Freighties that found them. I have a feeling that Kate and Sayid will be taking a little jaunt to rendezvous with Locke, Hurley, Ben, Jack and Sawyer at the Orchid! Get out the party hats it's time to celebrate the reunion! I did love the montage of everyone set to music. And we all know it's leading up to a thrilling 2 hour conclusion on the 29th. I don't think I am gonna make the next two weeks. God grant me the strength NOT to read any spoilers before the finale!

BEST LINES:

Hurley's Mom: "Jesus Christ is not a weapon."

Sun: (to Jack when he tells the O6 to stick to their story) "We are in shock Jack."

Sawyer: (to Jack, as he heads off to find Lapidus and the copter) "Hold up, you don't get to die alone."

Hurley: (to a reporter who remarks how healthy everyone looks for being on an Island for over 100 days) "Was that directed to me dude?"

Ben: (to Locke, who says he thought Ben had no clue what Widmore wanted) "I wasn't being entirely truthful."

Ben: (giving himself up to Keamy and pals) "My name is Benjamin Linus. I believe you are looking for me?"

LINGERING QUESTION

So what's Locke gonna do when he gets inside the Orchid? Ben told him how to get inside and where to go, but he never told him what to do once he was there. I hope Christian gave explicit instructions during their Cabin Chat, or Locke is gonna be left scratching his head.

MOST MISSED CHARACTER: Vincent, as always.

LEAST MISSED CHARACTER: Juliet. Pretty useless in this episode.

FUNNIEST LINE: Ben remarking to Hurley about the saltines he's eating being 15 years old.

LOST---CABIN FEVER


When the show first began I thought I was on the wrong channel and watching some Reese Witherspoon movie set in the 30's. But nope, I flicked the info button on the old remote and it was indeed LOST. And through the strains of Buddy Holly (who, not so coincidentally, died in a PLANE crash) we are introduced to Locke's Momma. The big reveal however was when the infant Locke, in his little incubator (a sort of Cabin, if you will...) is being watched by none other than Richard Alpert. He's back! And he hasn't aged a bit!! Well, I think that pretty much confirms that Alpert is doing some time travelling as he later shows up when Locke is about 5 and does some sort of "test" by showing Little Locke six items (the same # as the Oceanic Six, am I over reaching here???) and asking which objects belong to him already. Locke picks the knife, which apparently, is wrong, since Alpert looks pissed and storms off in a huff. I have no clue what the hell any of that meant, although smarter minds than mine on the LOST Boards have stated that this is like a Buddha initiation test to find the next reincarnated Dalai Lama. And I had to rewatch the show again to see the picture that Little Locke drew, which is a stick figure being accosted by black smoke. Hello Smokey!!!

So anyway, apparently Smokey did NOT annhilate many of Keamy's men, who have arrived back on the freighter. Nice to see Sayid and DESMOND, my beloved, (Hee hee) and poor Michael gets the crap beat out of him. Damn that Keamy is one bad so and so ain't he? Smacks Michael down, slits the Docs throat and then guns down Captain Gault! Woah, the body count in 2 minutes was pretty damn high! We got some more confirmation of time anomalies when Omar tells Doc Ray that he received a morse code transmission from the beach that the Docs body had washed up. Needless to say the Doc looked pretty suprised since he was still breathing at that point. So I guess the island is ahead of time from the freighter or something like that. The body didn't exactly have a compass on it, so its not like it could have kept to Faraday's 305 bearing. Hopefully Sayid will pay attention as he jets his way back. Go Sayid. And I cannot forget to mention that Keamy pulls some "secondary protocol" thing from a safe that gives information on where Ben can be found. Widmore must be part of Dharma cause the folder had that Dharma logo thing on it. I think it was the same one from the episode where Ben has the Dharka on and winds up in the desert before he smotes down those two dudes on the horses.


Keamy and Company are gonna torch the Island! Get out the marshmellows!!!

Which leads us back to the Island where Ben, Hurley and Locke are searching for Jacob's Ladder...er I mean cabin! No one has any particular idea where they are going. Kinda like a three stooges episode as someone from the LOST boards so eloquently stated. Locke has a vision of some Darma Dude (sorry his name has escaped my poor brain for the moment, much as Jack wants to escape the Island, but I digress...) cutting down a tree to build a cabin for he and the Missus. Oh wait, it's Horace! Horace is the one who brought Ben and his Daddy dearest to the Island to begin with. Horace is bleeding from his nose and seems to be in some weird time loop as he says the same thing several times and cuts down the same tree over and over. He gets his point across though: find him (Horace) and Locke will find Jacob.

So our heroes: Locke, Ben and Hurley head to the Dharma pit where Locke picks through corpses til he finds a map in dead Horace's pocket. And where does this map lead? Why to Jacob's place natch! Ben seems to be resigned to the fact that he is not the "chosen one" anymore and is content to let Locke take the reigns. Or is he? We know that in the flash forwards Ben is kicking ass across the globe so I don't know, he may be letting Locke think, yet again, that Locke is in charge. After all, Locke said it himself, "I'm not you" and Ben replied with some superiority "No you're not."

"Guys. Cabin," states Hurley matter of factly and we have finally arrived at the Wizards. Well, no. Wrong movie. We're at Jacob's cabin but I think there can be a pretty good argument for the case that Jacob is kinda like Oz from the beloved movie. Yeah, so is Hurley the Cowardly Lion, Ben is the Tin man and Locke the Scarecrow???? Yeah, guess I'm pushing the similarities just a bit too far. But hey, it's fun. Ben tells Locke in a nice way, that he is not going to accompany him inside, and Hurley also opts out on that bit of fun. Can't say that I blame them. What I will say though, is the part where they are waiting for Locke, and Hurley gives Ben half his Dharma Bar was sweet. No words were needed for that exchange. It was like Hurley was accepting Ben as one of them, the Losties. Damn, now I am getting all choked up!!

Locke ventures inside the cabin and lo and behold, it's Christian! Christian is not Jacob, oh no. But darn it, he can speak for him! Oh yeah, and Claire is in there too. She was really creepy and for the first time, she didn't completely get on my nerves. Claire didn't seem at all fazed to be away from Aaron and told Locke she was fine. "I'm with him" she says, indicating Christian. So, does that mean that Claire is dead? Is that why Christian tells Locke it might be best NOT to mention Claires weird appearance there? I think so, but what the hell do I know? So after a few bits of back and forth we get to the meat of the thing. Jacob wants them to MOVE the Island. I don't think he means physically (but as I said, what the hell do I know?) but more than likely, they are to move it in time or perhaps change the bearings. Could this be why the Oceanic Six can't find the Island in the future? Why Ben tells Widmore he won't find the Island and why Abbadon questioned Hurley in the nut house, asking if they were still alive??? Hmm. Possible prediction: The O6 are aboard that little boat Sayid has come in, and at that point the Island is MOVED, which is why no one can get back there or find it in the future.

JACK'S DUMB MOVE: When the bag is dropped onto the beach and Jack digs through it and finds the tranceiver he is all like "I think they want us to follow them." Umm, wouldn't it be more likely that it is to stay AWAY from them? Since Faraday opened his yap and told everyone they weren't there to rescue them, I am not sure why Jack would be so stupid. But I will cut him some slack since he did just have surgery and maybe he is downing some on Island Oxycontin.

SEXIEST MOMENT: Desmond on the freighter looking sweaty, dishelved and his shirt half open. Oh yeah.

BEST LINE: When Ben tells Locke, "..because destiny John, is a fickle BITCH."

EERIEST LINE: (Horace to Locke) "I'm not making much sense am I? Nope. Probably because I've been dead for twelve years."

FUNNIEST LINE: Hurley, waking up when Locke shakes him and murmurs, "Mallowmars".

CREEPIEST MOMENT: When Abbadon, as the orderly, parks John's wheelchair right by the stairs. Looks just like he was gonna push him down!

BEST LINE FROM ANOTHER EPISODE MAKING A REAPPEARANCE: John Locke repeating "Don't tell me what I can't do."

MOST MISSED CHARACTER: Vincent.

LEAST MISSED CHARACTER: Kate. I was happy she only showed up at the end, briefly, and didn't say one word!

QUESTIONS:

What did the stuff (Baseball Glove, Book of Laws, Sand, Comic Book, Knife, Compass) Alpert showed Little Locke signify?

Where, or what, is Jacob?

Is Claire dead, drugged, zombified?

What the hell is strapped to Keamy's arm?

Does Jack truly get dumber with each episode?

Abbadon: Good, Bad, working for Widmore???

Moving the Island??????

THE NEW SCALE OF WACKNESS/SICKNESS/CREEPINESS ETC

The world is wacked and I now have a new scale on which to rate it. The scale is the Cellar Scale, named after that sick wacko who kept his daughter prisoner for 24 years amongst other atrocities. One being the lowest (for example the asswipe that put bleach in his ex girlfriends drink at the movies---Thanks Jan!) and 10 being the highest, or the putting your daughter in a cellar for 24 years and fathering 7 kids with her. The Cellar Scale, judging human sickness in this crazy crazy world we live in. And might I add, thank you lord that I was not born in Austria. God Bless the USA!!!

JJE Conviction (Judge Jury and Executioner): It has been determined that Fritzl should be detained (aka HELD PRISONER) in the same underground cellar he stashed his daughter and children/grandchildren in. He should remain in self same cellar for the rest of his life (which hopefully will be LONG) and be given only food and water. Every three days or so, he will be visited by someone we'll call Bubba. Bubba is big, bad and very, very "addicted" to doing naughty things to people against their will. May Fritzl rot in no peace.


LOST

Last weeks LOST was good, although I am not a big fan of Kate and Jack, so in between gagging reflexes, I did enjoy the show. Even when LOST is not at it's best, it's the best damn show on television ever! And yes, I am placing it above Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I own all those darn DVDs! Tonight's show is going to be Locke-centric and we are gonna get to see some Cabin action! May we perhaps get another glimpse of the ever elusive Jacob??? Some of the scuttlebutt on the LOST boards seem to indicate that people think Claire is actually DEAD (killed when her cabin went bye bye via Keamy and pals) and that she is some kind of undead (like her daddy, Christian). Apparently, in order to stay dead, you gotta be buried like poor Frenchy and Karl. Good lord, did they look horrible when Miles uncovered their bodies last week. Yeah, I know, they were dead and all, and you don't look your best when you've been shot, killed and then buried in the ground. But STILL!!! And so the countdown begins until 10 pm.......

NIKKI COX

No, I'm not a fan of hers. She used to be on the TV shows Unhappily Ever After and more recently, Vegas. Well, last weekend she made a guest appearance on the Ghost Whisperer. Her and her mouth. Or, to be more accurate, her lips. They were huge. And when I say huge, I ain't just whistling dixie. They were gigantic, enormous and hideous! Someone needs to tell her. I don't know how her family and friends can look at her in the face without laughing/crying or puking.


SOUTHPARK

Last night's Southpark was not amongst my favorites. Cartman gets AIDS then gives it to Kyle. It wasn't a funny episode. The only really funny part was the allusion to high amounts of money being the cure to AIDS. Still, Cartman is Cartman and dammit, I love him!

CAPTURED IN THE BASEMENT---THE MOVIE!!

Imagine, if you will, if some producer in Hollywood has read the headlines about that evil psycho father in Austria imprisoning his daughter for 24 year, and decided, hey that would make a great movie! It's not beyond the stretch of the 'ol imagination is it? Nope. And now, here is my take on what that movie version would be:

Captured in the Basement starring Diane Lane as the Captured Daughter...Lindsay Lohan as the grandaughter/daughter whose illness sparks the release. Also starring Clint Eastwood as the Father/Grandfather and Helen Mirren as his wife. Special guest starring that idiot from high school musical Zac Efron as the 18 year old boy. And to add some intrigue/spice to the whole disgusting sordid mash let's throw in a little fling between Zac and Lohan as the captured teens ala Flowers in the Attic or Blue Lagoon. Oh don't forget the cute precocious five year old to proclaim in wonderment "THE MOON" when he is released and sees the night sky for the first time. AHHHHH. Yes, from the folks that bring you Hannah Montana, Zoey 101 and some porn released under different names, it's Captured in the Basement. With: Rob Lowe as a nosy neighbor who does nothing. Michael Douglas as the Father's best friend and vacation travel companion. And in her first dramatic movie appearance, Miley Cyrus as one of the cry baby teens that were allowed to live above ground. Special special guest star Britney Spears as Miley's best friend (just cause). But the high caliber star action doesn't just end there! Oh no! How about Terry O'Quinn (from LOST!) Vincent Donofrio (From Law and Order Criminal Intent) and Gwyneth Paltrow as the detectives/police working on the case. Then for more gigles to counteract the oppressive disgusting context of the movie, we have Jim Carrey as the Psychiatrist who brings all the Basement people together with their above ground siblings. Yes, it's really touching when Jim Carrey shows up. Hey look, it's Mike Myers as the physician treating the coma laden Lohan as she fights for her life in the hospital. A wacked love triange ensues when Myers starts to fall in love with his charge much to the constignation of her older brother, Zac Efron. Oh noes!!! And what drama would be complete w/out some type of homo erotic twist? And no, this has nothing to do with Zac Efron. When Daddy Eastwood gets jailed, he forms a deep bond with another inmate played by George Hamilton. And don't ask how someone so tan lives in Austria! Maybe we've moved the story to take place in Florida! Don't question!!!!
There is a ferocious girl fight between mother and daughter, a real brawl after the daughter thinks for awhile and wonders why the hell Mommy Mirren didn't have any clue for all these years. Yep, they pull hair, clothes-- fists are flying. Think Linda Evans and Joan Collins on Dynasty only without shoulder pads and in a more disturbing context.
Anything and everything has been added to this moddled soup of a story. So sit back-- you may not enjoy but you'll be damn well entertained by Caputred in the Basement. Coming in three months as soon as we can rush the filming through.


LOST

Whoo hoo another new episode tonight and it's Jack centric. Flash forward, Flash back, present day, it's all Jack! And here's hoping I get to see a bare chested Desmond. How bout some Vincent? Okay I'm getting greedy now. All hail Thursday nights!!!