Assorted Grab Bag

KID SEX DETTERENT



I have found the perfect detterent for parents to give their pre-teen kids that is guaranteed to put them off sex for quite awhile. What is it you ask? It's the Gene Simmons sex tape natch! You know Gene Simmons, the ugly dude from Kiss with the long tongue? Well now he's the creepy old ugly dude starring in a sex tape! I've only seen some stills but damn, the images are burned into my retinas! I can't figure out if it's more disgusting or hilarious. Maybe I'll just say it's disgustingly hilarious. I can't even believe I'm writing the words Gene Simmons and sex tape down! If you haven't seen it, DON'T! I'll sum it up for you: picture an old ugly guy that looks like your grandpa (only richer) on top of some semi-pretty HO who you know is only there to say she bagged someone "famous". The only reason to view this is for the laughs. It's kinda like that "two girls one cup" video. It's more fun to watch people's reactions to it then to actually see it for yourself.


FIRED FATTY


Kirstie Alley has been fired or let go from Jenny Craig, depending on how her publicist wants to spin it. Seems Ms Alley is a fatty again and Jenny Craig has decided to cut loose that fish before it gets any bigger. I read that Kirstie is coming up with her own diet plan/program that will come out sometime in 2009. Yeah, okay. So what is it, a plan to lose a few pounds, lie about your actual weight, then put it all back on and more? Is she gonna stick in some weird Scientology herb treatment or sauna? Speaking of Scientology, since you know how I love to, if she's a Sciento why isn't she thin? I mean, if they are the EXPERTS on stuff, then how come she's still a fatty fatso? I guess she swallowed one too many Thetans and now she's bloated!



AND I THINK I'M GOING OUTTA MY HEAD



Some guy took that song just a bit too seriously it seems. Well, actually, it was his girlfriend's head that he decapitated, took with him in his car and then plowed himself and the head directly into a semi. I guess two heads are better than one! HA HA. It's not funny and yet, it is! Some songs for the occassion in case you want to party:



"Head over heels"

"Bang your head, metal health will drive you wild"

"Put your head on my shoulder"

"HEADing for a hearbreak"


Feel free to find other songs to fit the vibe!!!



JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER (JJE for short)



A good friend and I have decided that we should make the judicial decisions on crimes and whatnot, since we seem to know better than anyone else out there that is supposedly an expert or is actually making the (stupid) decisions. And so in that vein I give you today's JJE.



The Case:


A central Illinois couple faces first-degree murder charges in the death of their 5-month-old baby, who was found unresponsive in a car seat that had been placed in a crib.

Apparently, the kid was brought home and left in the self same car seat in his crib for eight days until he was found dead from starvation and neglect. You gotta wonder what the hell was going through the parents minds. Oh! Excuse me, they were too busy playing video games and feeding themselves to notice a crying, screaming child! Well you know, World of Warcraft is addicting, and how could anyone expect that they should get off their butts and do stuff like, oh I don't know, parent???


The JJE Verdict:


The parents are to be strapped into carseats in diapers, put into a crib and left in an empty room by themselves for two weeks. If, at the end of two weeks, they are still alive, then they are free to go. The room will be locked, with no windows and no way out. Let the screaming and crying commence!



LOST

The fourth episode of Lost is on tonight!!!! Thursday nights ROCK!!!